George Washington, first American president and freedom fighter for proper shaving rights
The single 'Nardburn in proper battle attire
It has been said that the Earth was created in six days and that our creator rested on the seventh. What often is forgotten is that on the eighth day the creator realized something was missing on Earth, and therefore on the ninth grade ‘Nardburns were created.
And all was well.
The story of the Empire and the birth of ‘Nardburns is the same tale one finds in any classical literature. There has been love and war and richness and poverty… but always there have been sweet, luscious ‘Nardburns.
Ancient Egyptians embraced ‘Nardburns as a look for the pharaohs. Countless depictions of these Egyptian leaders show how they would flaunt the seductive nature of the powerful facial devices. With inability to harness the true power of neon, the Egyptians resulted into the next closet symbol of such power: gold.
As the cultures of Earth evolved, new civilizations sought to harness the power of ‘Nardburns. Ancient Greek warriors fitted a single luscious ‘Nardburn to the top of their helmets in order to intimidate their competition from afar.
The wars of the middle ages were often fought between cultures with differing views of what ‘Nardburns meant to them. Was it a source of power? A source of life? A source of aspirations? Empires rose and fall, unable to capture the essence of what ‘Nardburns truly mean, leaving the brilliant power of neon still untapped.
Often forgotten is that the American Revolution began not due to taxes or lack of representation of the colonies to King George of England, but rather the decision to stop supplying the colonies with adequate shaving goods. Without these essential items for daily living, American colonists had no choice but to revolt against their indescribable cruel former homeland.
At least, freedom was at hand lead by the likes of General George Washington. Rallying an eclectic mixture of former British citizens under the well-publicized tagline, “No shaving needs taxations without representations!” the American colonists finally had a land of their own. And the seeds for the greatest Empire that world had ever seen had been sown.
Over the next hundred years the country matured and countless followers of ‘Nardburns began to spread the gospel of their greatness. These holy speakers were called Barbers and became integral members of a modern American society. It is these individuals who laid the very groundwork of social acceptance to which the Empire stands today.
This groundwork was shaken to its very core by the World Wars of the early 20th century. On the surface the wars seemed highly political in nature, a posturing of classical and modern European powers to obtain complete control of a region. There is one key aspect that history books tend to neglect when discussing these wars.
That the need for global domination had nothing to do with political or regional aspirations, but to combat the rising power of the Empire across the Atlantic in America.
In 1905 famed physicist Albert Einstein developed the laws of special relativity culminating in the creation of his now famous formula, Energy = Mass * Velocity2. Einstein rationalized this groundbreaking view of the physical world while observing barbers performing the careful manipulation of ‘Nardburns during their days.
It was at this point that the idea of Menard’s Law struck Einstein, that ‘Nardburns + Soul Patch = Acceleration.
Such an idea had never been conceptualized before, and all of Einstein’s work would be based around it. As his ideas spread across Europe it became increasingly clear that the powerful force of neon and ‘Nardburns lay not on the European continent, but in the vast lands of the United States.
And the world nearly tore it’s self apart to get their hands on this power. Using American ingenuity, brevity and determination these forces were defeated in the honor of all things good, free and neon.
As the world rebuilt itself following World War II, time inched forward towards that fateful day in August 1980. It was on this day when all of the world fell hushed, awaiting for the news that man has longed for since the beginning of time.
That moment? The arrival of our Emperor.
Note how the 'Nardburns are emblazed with gold and the large size of the 'Nardpatch signifying vitality
Paul Menard, Aged 2
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